Skeletons In My Closet

This is the continuation of my previous entry. I only put it here now not because I just had this dream recently, but because I just got a time to write just today. There are a lot of things that happened in between. A lot of non-romantic heartbreaks and realizations. Here it goes:

Basically, it was I confessing my feelings to my friend. He was insanely surprised to know that I actually have feelings for him because he never thought that such thing was possible. Overtook by disbelief, he asked me if I was telling the truth, and I said "Yes". After that he tells me, "If I only knew, I would choose you." But the story didn't end there. Did you know what else he did? He broke up with his girlfriend and decided to be with me, and I was in real shock that my friend had become my boyfriend. In the final scene, there was us, holding hands while looking at each other with smiles in our faces.

Analysis:

Honest to goodness but I was not happy with that dream. I was glad that he picked me over the other woman but aside from that, I felt... nothing. I admit, I had a crush on him but that was before. Truth is, I'm so over him. I just can't accept the thought that he's with somebody else.

Mulling about it, I realized that I felt irritated with our situation not because I love him, but because I love myself too much. I don't want to let go of him albeit I don't have feelings for him because I'm selfish.

Myself reminds me of Katniss Everdeen, the heroine in the epic book series, The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins. Everyone thought that Katniss is an altruist and a warrior. But deep inside her, she knows that she's just an ordinary 16-year-old girl, very frail, very impotent. Here's an excerpt from the second book of The Hunger Games Trilogy: Catching Fire. In here, Katniss is mourning beside her best friend Gale because he has been whipped by the Head Peacekeeper in their district due to illegal hunting and has been put in the intersection of life and death. Here it is:

For the first time, I reverse our situation in my head. I imagine watching Gale volunteering to save Rory in the reaping, having him torn from my life, becoming some strange girl's lover to stay alive, and then coming home with her. Living next to her. Promising to marry her.

The hatred I feel for him, for the phantom girl, for everything is so real and immediate that it chokes me. Gale is mine. I am his. Everything else is unthinkable. Why did it take him being whipped within an inch of his life to see it?

Because I'm selfish. I'm a coward. I'm the kind of girl who, when she might actually be of use, would run to stay alive and leave those who couldn't follow to suffer and die.

SPOILER ALERT!

In the end of the story, it turned out that Katniss didn't end up with Gale. It turned out that she chose to be with Peeta (her on-screen lover) instead of Gale. And when she said that she "reverse their situation," it means that all the things that she was ranting about were the exact things she did towards Gale.

When it dawned on her that she might lose Gale, she turned to him and gave him false hope. When she was finally self-satisfied about her position in Gale's life, she again broke his heart and left him behind. Apparently, when she so-called "realized" that she wants to be with Gale, she was just again being selfish. Katniss likes putting people in a precarious balance. In a cliffhanger that cripples the people who love her.

I am so in love with the story of Hunger Games but I abhor the main character. Katniss is so hostile, so violent, so cold. I admire her power and dexterity but I can't force myself to like her. She's the kind of person that you would love to hate, and I kid you not if I'll say that I can see myself in her.

I hate to admit, but looking myself in the mirror, I can conclude that I'm a narcissist. Now I know why I often prefer to be alone. Now I know why I'm fine not having someone there who loves me. It's because I have so much love for myself. So much that it suffocates me. So much that it blinds me. But if I'll look at myself in a telescope, I'm sure that I'll detest Lizzy. I'll hate her for being selfish, arrogant, heartless, a coward, and a negative bitch. It dawns on me that whenever I encounter a bump, I immediately do an escape without even thinking the possible consequences of my actions. That I cry even in the littlest things, that I'm always looking at the ugly side of people, that I've been living a stinking life. No wonder I had next to no friends, because like Katniss, I'm the kind of girl that you would love to hate.