I miss my mom

My mother visited me in my sleep all of a sudden. In my dream, we were on a holiday somewhere in the province. I was drinking water in the falls, then after being smug with my thirst, I came back to where she was. She did a heart to heart talk with me. She hugged me so tightly and reminded me of how much she loves me. She said I need not worry or feel down because everything will be okay. I sat on her lap for awhile while she was talking to me, and for a moment, I was foolishly happy. A surge of bliss flooded my heart. It was an ecstasy to hear her voice and to feel her touch. I felt like I was eleven again, innocent and unaware to the harsh world around me. She was sorry for leaving me and still sorry because again, I have to let her go.

In my dream, I was actually happy of her leaving. Not because we'll be separated, but because I know that her destination is way more beautiful than where I stand. For there, she's healthy and young, away from illness, away from harm. There, she needs no medicine or any other kind of treatment. There, she's free of pain. With Jesus, she smiles freely.

She told me she's glad to see my change. I'm a few inches taller than her now, but I'm still as thin as ever. She said she's so proud of me because I turned into a beautiful and brilliant lady, and will be even prouder as years go by. She said she's thanking the Lord for giving her the privilege to be my mom. She said I should be enthusiastic to wake up each morning because in the right time, I'll soon realize all of my dreams and will soon be in a better place.

* * * * *

My mom was very close and sweet to us. She was the kind of mother that's very generous in bestowing her motherly love. She was very free to her hugs and kisses and "I love yous".

For eleven years that she'd been here, I became really dependent to her. I wasn't even able to sleep without her by my side, and it indeed took a huge adjustment when she died. It took a couple of nights to remind myself that I should stop stretching my fingers, seeking my mother's warmth, because the other side of the bed will now forever be cold without her.

But although she left us early, I'm still thankful that I had the chance to be with her. I'm thankful because no matter what, I know how it feels to have a mom. And my mommy, who was ridden on the bed, who barely can talk, and who hardly can move her hands, told me that she wants to make my gown for my debut. And now, I'm no longer eighteen. And now, all I want is to hear that voice and to hold those hands again.

Goner

Oh yes, I had a dream about my guy friend again. If you've been reading my blog, you know what I'm talking about. The story went this way:

I was living again in our old house somewhere in Q.C., and I had a surprising neighbor. Yes, it is he, my beloved friend.

My girlfriends and I were in our vicinity and we were talking so loud of about how much we loathe our friend's girlfriend, little did we know that he can overhear our conversation. But instead of panicking, I was glad that he can hear us because I want him to wake up to the ahypnotism made by her crazy-in-love beast. So instead of shutting up, I stood in front of his place and showed my discontent.

The next day, I was not so shocked to see his transformation. The super virtuous boy that we used to know had turned into a madman. He was yelling and very angry at us, or should I say at them because he was surprisingly not mad at me, especially to think that I was the instigator. But after he vented out, he eventually apologized for his impulsive demeanor, and everyone said sorry to him too.

When everybody had returned in their business, he approached me and politely asked me if he can walk me home (just like what he always does in real life). I accepted his invitation although I have an appointment with a gal pal and I don't feel like going home yet. I canceled my scheduled hangout with my best friend and chose to be with him instead.

Analysis:

• I hate ugly girls. I abhor ugly girls who think they're pretty. I condemn ugly girls who think they're pretty just because their boyfriends—with visual impairment—are hot. I want to cut their throats and put salt into it after. I hate them THAT much.
• I'm hotter than that stinking whore. Oh wait, let me edit that one. I'M HOT. SHE'S NOT. [End of the conversation.] There yah go! That's way lot better. ;) Because there's no point in comparing two things if there's no point of comparison to begin with.
• Even though I always act like a domineering biatch, my friend still remained a friend to me. He's still so kind to me and he still cares for me—which is bad. So bad. Too bad that it kills me. His gentleness works its way to the inside of me. It's penetrating into the throbbing interwoven fabric that is my heart, rooting there, sucking its blood, torturing it. While I try to remember how to inhale, how to exhale. But it's weird, because the pain tastes breathtakingly sweet.
• I was just making a fool out of myself when I said I'm over him. Truth is, I'm ALL OVER him. It's been almost two years but this heart beat is unrelenting; it's getting even worse as time goes by. This stirring emotion within me terminates the tiny pieces of logic my skull dared to hold. Driving me nuts. Going me bonkers. Leaving me petrified.
• I'm a goner. And I have to live with it.

Not all skinny girls are flat-chested

Every girl’s childhood dream aside from being an artista or a super model is to have a nice pair of breasts. I still remember when I was little, I used to put socks in my chest so it'll look bigger (a lot of kids do that, 'wag kayong magmalinis). When I grew up, I can honestly say that I don't do that kind of deed anymore (I don't need such.) Yes, I thank the good Lord for giving me an above-average boob size. I'm not saying that I can go against Ara Mina or Diana Zubiri, but my breasts are above the normal range if you will weigh it with my body type—I'm too skinny to have these cups.

Rarely can we see my kind. We can only usually see them on TV screens and on the pages of magazines but not in face to face scenario. The sexiness of celebrities that is always questioned.

That's why I'm not so surprised that there are some people who doubt mine's authenticity. Up until now, I literally have to lean down and show off my cleavage and let them scrutinize my twins as well as the bra that I wear before I can convince them that their eyes are not fooling them. Why don't they just accept the inevitable reality that I can manage to be thin yet curvaceous?

P.S.

I also want to give you some lecture about breast measurement. Bust line doesn't matter; it is only your upper body's circumference. What matters is the cup size. That's why you can't be hell proud to say that you're size 36, pero cup A ka lang naman. And you can have a 30-inch bust line pero D cup ka naman.

Model: Grace Lee, Belo Photo shoot

A Wishful Thought

I wonder how it feels to be loved by someone you love. I wonder how it feels to be kissed; to be touched; to be cuddled. I wonder how it feels to see him on his knees, asking me to marry him. I wonder.

I want to be with him forever. That was what I always wanted. I want to wake up next to him. I want to cook breakfast for him. I want to fix his necktie before he goes to work, and wait for him until goes home. I want to spend every single day with my love...

My love. He's a dream. My dream. That's all I can do. Dream about him. And I don't feel like waking up.

Haven

No one cares, 

No one dares.

No one wants to step out of their rail.

But it's okay 
'Cause I don't care.

I'm aware 
That people prefer to be unaware.

In the midst of sorrow, 
There is no tomorrow.

Because at the heart of it all, 
I know, this is all for show.

I want to get out of here, 
In this confusing mess.

I want to go somewhere, 
Somewhere safe.

In a place where no one can see me,
No one can hear me.

No prying eyes, 
No cutting tongues.

Nothing but silence.

I want the curtain to fall, 
I want the lights to be off.

I want everything to shut down 
And leave me alone.

A Silence Full of Voices

I want to kiss your lips,

I want to squeeze your hands.

I love you forever,

And forever is now.

You can make my toes curl,

You can make my mind whirl.

I'm reaching euphoria

By the sound of your name.

I want one thing on earth,

And that one thing is you.

And only to you,

I want to say "I do".

I want hold you close,

Sniff your scent, be with you.

Because being with you

Is my dying wish, that's so true.

I hope one day, one time,

Your heart will be free.

'Cause mine will patiently wait

Till our feelings agree.

Deemed Doomed

TRUTH # 1:

Being jealous and hating you crush's girl is understandable.

Go ahead, roll your eyes, but I still stand my ground that I have the right to be jealous and irritated with the girl that's with the guy that I have an eye on. I have the right to feel this way because my emotions are mine. If I feel happy, I can't help but smile; if I feel pissed, I can't help but curse at least under my breath; if I feel gloomy, I can't help but let the sadness be written all over my face.

I strongly believe that feelings should be expressed. Now, I don't mean that I should walk my way and kick the girl's ass or anything like that. What I mean by this is, we should express what we feel even through small things so we wouldn't end up being deranged. Some people channel their emotions by immersing themselves in their works, others do it by way of painting or other artistic means. I, do it by the way of writing. That's why I always have a journal at hand, and that's why I blog. I use writing as an outlet to my angst, excitement, giddiness, anything that I feel like venting out.

To put it simply, I conclude that feeling what we feel, whether good or bad, is not a crime. But we should master the art of control so we won't end up hurting anyone, including ourselves.

TRUTH # 2:

It takes time for me to fall in love, and it also takes time for me to fall out of it.

I'm proud to say that I'm not the kind of girl who drools over handsome fellows. Physical appearance is still a factor but not the most important. He should have the character, the wit, and the heart, if the boy wants to win me over. And although let's say that he got what it takes for me to be magnetized by him, it will still take time before it happens. Estimated Time: 6 months to 1 year or more. And there should be a real interaction between us. Seeing him everyday without communication is not enough.

But once I fell, it'll also take time, even days, months, years and years... before I get into my feet again. Albeit I'll not get to talk to him, or to even see him; he'll remain in my mind, in my heart and soul no matter what he does, no matter what I do. And once I'm certain I like a guy, my heart will be occupied, as in I'll never have any other eye candies but him. Yeah, I'm loyal like that. By that you'll know that I rarely fall for someone, as in RARE. For eighteen years of living, I can easily count the boys that I had crushes on using my fingers (celebrity crushes are already included, take note).

Sure, time will reduce the attraction and lessen the tingling sensation, but I know that he will always, always have a place in my heart, and I will always, always be attracted to him even someone new comes along. I'm deemed doomed.